i created this blog in June 2020 cause i just had come out from a dark period - april/may 2020.
with corona, lockdown, living alone, not many friends. it was very life questioning / existential questioning
i've been through the same mental breakdown here mid-April till May. it's going better since 2 weeks, it lasted like a month. i had never been this far i think.. maybe in my teenage years/adolesnce when i was living with my mum and feeling stuck/screwed/lonely/unhappy. but that was like 10 years ago maybe. i had never been this far.
btw i wanna talk/write about people/things that helped me
sade
phil collins
genesis
music
reading (history of tiredness, phil collins' life/book)
dancing
i will talk about comparison; family; competitition; favourite songs
Spent so much time alone so far, I almost had to build myself alone.
What have you learned from being alone / lonely ?
Stuff that marked my life : loneliness, bad treatment from a mother, non understanding of others (one of the worst feelings in life is to not be understood . . . will talk about that too), a friend who took drugs starting 13 years old who turned ill at 19. Psychosis. Any one experienced this with a close friend / boyfriend ? who was so ill that committed suicide recently aged 23 ; a non-balanced life, having to cope with my studies alone, without ANY support from my mother; finance my studies mainly MYSELF (fees, accommodation, food.. well divided by 3 but it was difficult); parents who didn't study so don't understand how this works; being the first one to study in the family, with no support from your mother, i repeat, who wanted you to study something else ; anxiety/stress problems; not being able to be in a relationship (too stressed); food kind of disorder (not hungry => don't eat => skinny => linked with anxiety and stress); not able to make decisions (for a break-up : make myself sick for months and not be able to act as a normal human being and just break-up); too kind ; a lot of plans and envies but nothing concrete happenning (hard when you realise people around you are doing things you want but can't realise cause you're lazy or i don't know - any explanations someone ? :) ) ; HEALTH problems : LOW BLOOD PRESSURE : that's horrible. Been experiencing this since a bit less than a year. Especially since September. Horrible. You eat but still you're hungry or not feeling noral. You take vitamins and iron, nothing changes. You struggle to breathe. You go to the doctor and just says you have to eat more and better when i eat a lot already and often !! Nothing to understand. Why ?? Iron and eating and nothing changes. Depression. Anxiety. Financial struggles. No money. A mum who doesn't help financially, who is selfish, radine (French), not there. A dad's family who's rich but i'm here living on 50€. Thinking about that friend who killed himself. Health problems. Financial problems. Having few friends. Being suicidal . . . cause no one knows or really helps.
And after people who advised me, at some point, have some benefits financial help. Pfiou. Such a relief. Waw. We are lucky here in Europe.
Than looking for a job, not finding.. being refused always and always. Then a lockdown comes. Fine, I have money.
Then your only flatmate leaves back to her country and you're stuck alone in a flat. After 3 weeks, being in total depression. Cause you have stuff to do, cleaning your flat, talk to people, go buy food, read, watch TV shows (will talk about that), movies, series; which is great but staying ALONE for 3 weeks in a flat (even if i was seeing a friend down the road very often), it was hard. I was sad, depressed, suicidal. Thinking of that friend again. Thinking of my family who know i'm alone and don't ask anything. It was hard. But also, the times were uncertain, anxiety giving, hard. For everyone.
After pleasing people to help me I went for a week at my cousins, came back, than have my dad's dog for a company since more than a month. This dog saved my life. Waw. Great company.
But a mum who is a horrible person, selfish, radine (FR), who isn't their for her only child, is awful. Rich family not asking about their lonely niece. Horrible. Hard times. But lockdown being nearly over now. And planning to move out end of the month with 5 other people . . . should feel less lonely.
How was the lockdown for you ? :-)
I made it cause when I was younger, I was in bed and told myself : I'm great. I am here to be great and go far in life. I am great. I am here to do and bring something. I am here to go far in life.
I am a fighter. I am a survivor. Like you all.
Some are more survivors than others.
Some people think it depends of your family, friends, close people. Yes it does but at the end when you're stuck alone, it depends on yourself. To take your life or not. If you want to fight or not. If you want to continue survive or not. For what at the end ?
Note : the lockdown was a particularly, unexpected, moment.
